Changes are a part of life. The world and people are always in a state of constant change and evolution. One of the biggest components of change is loss. Loss is a part of the cycle of humanity.

In the field of mental health, an entire domain of psychology has been devoted to studying loss and grief. Psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross created the well-known stages of grief for death and dying. Her research examined the various stages individuals go through when they learn of their terminal illness.

Though many equate this theory with death and dying, this model could also serve in processing any loss such as breakup’s, addiction, and health. Ross’ five stages can also be applied to relationships when separation and divorce occur. Applying the same rules of Kubler-Ross’ stages to divorce and infidelity, they follow the principles for shifting from one stage to the next. This is often times seen in reconciliations. Loss produces a grieving process even in relationships which causes a shift in thoughts, feelings and perceptions.

The five stages are:

DENIAL

In this stage, individuals learn of their prognosis. They have a hard time facing the truth of their situation. The first thing that they experience is DENIAL. They cannot accept the fact they are ill. They deny the truth of their situation. Others pretend and ignore that sick loved ones are close to death.

Denial is manifested in many different ways.

•    Immersion into work or other avenues in order to ignore the truth
•    Subconscious or conscious repression
•    Purposeful avoidance of education and facts
•    Defense mechanisms that hide the loss from our conscious thoughts
•    “I don’t have a problem.” Or “She still loves me. She didn’t cheat.”

ANGER

In the ANGER stage, individuals become angry with their doctors, themselves, family, friends, and others in general. They seek out the injustice. They fight for the fairness. They shift blame to everyone and anyone. Some even blame God for their illness!

Their anger becomes a means to rationally cope with their illness albeit however detrimental it is. The feeling of anger momentarily helps the individual feel some sense of power. For men, anger is an easier emotion to express.

Many behaviors come from irrational thoughts as the anger becomes a way to express loss and hurt.

•    Questions such as: Why me? Why not him? How dare they do this to me?
•    Blaming oneself for events outside one’s control
•    Verbal or physical abuse to self, pets or children
•    Quick tempers and short fuses
•    Feelings of being overwhelmed

BARGAINING

In the BARGAINING stage, individuals seek a resolution or something that can possibly change things. They bargain to make their illness go away. They beg doctors, God or whoever will listen for a second chance at life.

This is the stage of hope. They are holding on to some dramatic change that will make things right. Thoughts and feelings are embedded in compromise and bargaining for another chance. They believe that someone or someway is out there. There has to be a solution. There must be a fix that can grant them a second chance. When they can’t find this “great hope”, frustration spins them in a downward spiral.

Common bargaining pleas include

•    Take me instead.
•    I promise to give up… this or that.
•    I will give away all my money to charity if…
•    Please, just grant this one thing I ask. It is the only thing I will ever ask.

DEPRESSION

When they realize their bargaining and compromising isn’t working, they bottom out and fall into a state of DEPRESSION. This is when hopelessness and helplessness sets in. They have done all they can. They have exhausted all their resources. There is nothing that can be done.

They face their loss with the knowledge that they are powerless.

It is not surprising that within this state, some actually think about or attempt suicide. They believe that things won’t get better or that the cards of life are stacked against them. Why continue on?

Symptoms of Depression include:

•    A decrease in energy and feelings of fatigue
•    Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, helplessness
•    Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, sports, sex, etc…
•    Suicidal thoughts/attempts
•    Over/Under-eating
•    Insomnia or excessive sleeping

ACCEPTANCE

When someone is finally able to grasp their state of affairs, they shift into the final stage of ACCEPTANCE. It is during this stage they realize their potential fate and accept the outcome on their terms. Loss is real and they have processed the pain.  They are able to integrate their life’s experiences into an acceptable life history.

In this stage, they are able to find peace with themselves and their circumstances. They understand why it has happened and how they can incorporate this information to return to normal everyday living. They are mentally healthy enough to make sound decisions based not on hurt and pain, but in peace and clarity of mind.

Ross’ five stages can become an ongoing shift and progression. Sometimes individuals will reach a stage only to return to a previous stage due to an experience of hope or traumatic experience which causes the shift. The five stages are not like grades in school whereby once you achieve one, you can’t go back. Within the five stages, there are always potential shifting and changing!

Allow this model to cover any form of loss. From a family pet to a favorite alcoholic beverage, the stages of loss can be the same. The process is similar and the path towards ACCEPTANCE is equally rewarding.